Professional Development Perspectives - Guidance on Personal and Professional Organizational Development

Every beetle is a gazelle in the eyes of its mother....

 

Moorish proverb

As I follow my friends on Facebook this day before Mother's Day, I notice posts that, like mine, resonate with grief and appreciation for lost Moms. Let's face it, no one else cares about you like your mother did or does.  

Want someone to be as (or more) proud than you of your latest accomplishment?  To really feel your pain? To care about the smallest detail of your day?  To make your favorite dessert?  To remember with you, and revel in, every mundane detail of your life? To love you no matter what you do? That would be (1) your mother and (2).............nobody else. There is just no replacement.  Brothers, sisters, friends, even spouses, just will never care about you in the same way.  

And there are times when the need is more acute:

• Mother's Day, Christmas, Passover
• Your birthday
• Your children's birthdays and graduations
• When you close a deal, win a promotion, run a marathon, become a partner, reach your goals
• When you crater a deal, lose a promotion to your arch-rival, can't get up off the couch, get fired, fail to meet your goals

Here are a few things I do when I feel that need for some Mom mojo.  These ideas are all backed by solid psychological research so I know they can work for you too:

1. Summon gratitude for the great parenting you received and that you will always carry within you even when you are separated from your parents by distance or death.  
2. Share stories with siblings and friends who knew your Mom, especially her friends.  
3. Tell yourself exactly what she would tell you if she were present.  For example....my favorite from my Mom....."Be whatever you want to be, just be the best you can.  If you want to be a ditch digger, that's great as long as you do your best."  I smile when I think of myself as a ditch digger-definitely not something at which I would excel (except in the eyes of my mother).
4. Write about your feelings and experiences just as you might tell them to your Mom. 
5. Celebrate when you have a success.
6. Get up and move on when you screw up.  Taking action will give you energy and renewed optimism.
7. Laugh-share some really funny stories about your mother.  My friend Jamey loves to laugh about the time her mother rollerbladed into a ditch.  Allison, Melissa and Brian rehash their mom Joan's famous one sentence holiday songs such as "say good bye to pumpkin pie" and "ode to angel food cake." Another friend, Emily talks about her mother Helen Parker's famous "sink toast" recipe. You know, the kind of toast that calls for being burned and then scraped over the sink to get the black stuff off.  
8. Pass it on.  When I extend care and encouragement to others, I always feel some great Mom energy.  You will too.

Last week I heard fellow lawyer/psychologist Larry Richard of Hildebrandt present his research on lawyer personalities to a conference of psychologists held in Napa.  When Larry describes lawyer personalities (he has collected data on over 40,000 of us), regular folks are often most surprised to hear that lawyers are as a group "thin-skinned."  

If you are a lawyer, it's more likely that you don't take criticism well and it offends you more than it does the average person. You also have more trouble bouncing back.  When it comes to criticism, these psychologists assumed lawyers could "take it" because lawyers "dish it out."  But the opposite is true. When outside the well-defined boundaries of the legal battlefield, lawyers are easily wounded by criticism so they avoid difficult conversations and conflict.  

Following Larry's presentation, the group went on a vineyard tour where we learned that pinot is the lawyer of grapes-- thin skinned and easily bruised.  So few pinot grapes survive to harvest that it has earned the reputation of being difficult to cultivate, arduous to grow and prone to rot.  But as any wine lover will tell you, pinot is worth the trouble.  

So if you are a pinot noir kind of lawyer, how do you survive to harvest?  

Bottom line--you must develop resilience.  The American Psychological Association recommends ten ways to do just that:

1. Connect with others such as friends and family.
2. Avoid seeing crises as insurmountable problems by changing how you interpret stressful events.
3. Take steps towards your goals.
4. Take action to address the stressful situation rather than avoiding it.
5. Look for the opportunity in adversity to learn about yourself and to grow.  
6. Nurture a positive view of yourself.
7. Maintain a long-term perspective.  Don't blow things out of proportion. 
8. Maintain a hopeful outlook.
9. Take care of yourself by eating healthily, exercising and relaxing.
10. Identify other practices that help you bounce back from stress such as meditation, spiritual practice or writing.

What do Lawyers and Pinot Noir Grapes Have in Common?

Answer:

1. They are both thin-skinned and easily bruised.
2. When carefully and fully developed to harvest, they both produce something extraordinary.